I'm back to All My X's Aren't From Texas

Took a while but I'm back with All my ex's aren't from texas. 
       Took a minor gas and oil detour. I am good getting off the main subject.  
        Now, you know it'd wierd when your present husband (I love you honey-kiss up points LOL) and your ex husband are in the same room.  That was wierd enough, I know!  To turn to husband #3 and ask him about something in our marriage that was pertinent to the convesation with my present (and last) husband is just wierd.  None of that made sense but you just had to be there. LOL  It ended up a friend that was visiting said to me and husband #3, we sounded like an old married couple.  I couldn't stop laughing, it was so wierd.  
       My children may not understand but I chose to put things that happened between husband #3 and me in the past.  My kids know some of it and are wondering what I am doing.  It's my choice to forgive but a harder time with the forgetting part. I'm working on it.  I would rather have had an ex as a friend than not.  Yes, there was one in all this story who refused to have that thought process but it was his loss and I had to respect that.  I always tried to be a loyal friend even when our time was over. I'll try to leave it at that, try I said LOL.  I have the up most respect for my friends.
     Anyway, we had gotten used to and in the habit, even look forward to our weekly Wednesday visits with husband #3 or now known as my friend John.  Other friends come around and we just shoot the bull, as we americans say.  We laughed, we argued-hmmmm debated, and had a good cup of coffee.  I do not make coffee (a request made by others LOL.)
       There is only one Ex I haven't talked about, boyfriend or husband.  I don't know that I could.  I would just leave it at that for the moment. 
Oh, jeez there was a mouse that ran across the top of the computer table, gotta go......Jooooeeeeeeeeee!

Start of a book-copyrighted

Remember if you are just starting to read my book go way to the bottom and the book starts at the bottom of the blogs and work up.
Ok, now that husband #1 has coincidentally appeared in my life I have some feelings to explore. Ok, explored them and found nothing I felt like dealing with.
It is fun having gotten in contact with him. I never thought that would happen. He has a dryish sense of humor. Just to show you things are not always what they appear to be. LOL
What am feeling? Just friendship and glad he is still alive. I could dwell on the marriage that was over 30 years ago but I'm not anymore. What happened happened and the past can't be changed. He has changed my life and has had a hand in who I am today. I bet he will be surprised to read that, ah, when I tell him I am writing my book on a blog space.(my very rough draft)
FH #4 has been coming home when he can even if it is for 33 minutes, YES! One day last week I got to see him for 33 minutes but 5 hours four days later. What do I have to complain about? Really nothing, I'm happy for the first time in my life. I have finally found my soulmate and the love of my life.
I am afraid I won't be able to live up to what he wants in a woman. I'm not supposed to live alone and here I am alone. I thought I would be ok but I need validation of my feelings. He says we will face whatever comes our way together. How can we when he is not here and I am left to face more medical issues by myself? I can't face it by myself, my stroked brain can't retain information and I get overwhelmed very easily. Oh sure I am making it now, he doesn't understand or see how hard this is. I guess I can't expect him to since he has been doing his job for 30 years. Neither of us want to be alone but he has his job and I am sitting here scared of my future healthwise and having to face it alone. Sure he can email me, if he will, or call but how is that being here for each other. I'm sure I'll be told he is being here for me...
Oh, I'll never get the dog we talked about to keep me company. How can a dog help me when I have fainted and fallen down some steps unconscious and wake up praying I haven't broken anything. I love FH#4 with all my heart and I will always be here waiting for him but how do I get him to understand that this is so hard for me. Every time he leaves to go back my heart aches and (as usual) I cry for about a day after ( leaving him when he visits with smiles and flashes!) He can't see how hard this is on me? It's easier when I get to visit him at his work, the seperation doesn't feel as hard when I leave him at his job and drive home. It seems like a piece of cake for him that he can't see how emotionally hard this is on me. If this is hard for him I wish he would tell me. Maybe he wished I would stop talking as that was what husband #3 told me a couple times, "I talked too much." Husband #3 would rather have quiet than listen to anyone, especially his wife. Come to think about it husband #2 didn't like talking to me much either. In my defense husband #2 and 3 were very quiet, introverted people who didn't enjoy the company of others.
FH#4 treats me like a queen. I'm not complaining just voicing my worries. I want to live the rest of my life with him. I know his worries. He may not know I know but I do. I pray he stays safe to come home to me and he does the same thing. We will think the same thoughts and do similiar things at the same time and be surprised and laugh about it. How in tune can two people be?
I can't wait for him to come home knowing he won't have to leave again. I think I have a long time to wait....I just want him to be happy. I don't want to lose our "happy" cause it's great! :)
Emily
Ever since writing this particular one I was awfully hard on FH#4. He is a wonderful, caring man and I have way too much time to over think things. I don't think I want to write this anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't wait to be with my FH #4. I am so grateful I found him on the COMPUTER and took the leap of faith. It is a wonderful thing and I think writing a book like this is just not fair to him. Bye..........emily

the start of a book-copyrighted

IF YOU ARE JUST STARTING TO READ THIS BOOK I AM WRITING THEN YOU HAVE TO GO DOWN TO OLD POSTS AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. THE 2ND OLDEST POST IS THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK AND JUST KEEP SCROLLING UP TO NOW, THE MOST RECENT.

Be careful what you wish for you just might get it, and the baggage to. After 30 years of being divorced from husband #1 (before computers) we made contact. After 30 years!!
How wierd is that? It was done through Facebook. Oh wait, it is about the computer after all. I rarely thought about H#1. Occasionally I would Google his name or look in some data base. Other than that no real need to contact him, just curiosity.
We had such long emails about what had happened to us over the last 30 years that I invited him to my wedding. Wow! If you would have told me 30 years this scenario would happen I would have said no, an emphatic no!

Once I got to know more about what he had been through these last 30 years I felt like I was in a comfortable chair. I found an old friend and indeed I had. I was expecting anger on my part for various reasons but I didn't. I'm at the point in my life where things have to roll off my back. FH#4 is grateful, I think, for my calm demeanor, or most of the time. I do get frustrated. Or give me an Oil and gas person or someone from the Government and the pirannha in me comes out. Sure surprised FH#4. I think inside he was proud of me.
Hey, as far as that subject goes, Oil and Gas, don't mess with me. I can talk you under the table. Oh, excuse me while I get off my soap box. HAHA.

Husband #1 can't afford to come to my wedding but it sure would be wierd to have husbands #1,2,3 there as a guest, photographer or whatever. Nah, it wouldn't be for me. I could deal with it. It's nice seeing a friendship is forming with H#1 and H#3. Husband #2, not sure where I stand but I think he is warming up to me. I'm not the "bitch" I was lead to be seen as by outside parties in others lives. At least I hope that is how he sees it.

Yeah, yeah, I know I have gotten off the beaten track of online dating but this is my memoir. I do tend to make detours as some know having had conversations with me. If you think about it just a minute ago was history in my life so this morning would be history. I just love the way I twisted that one around!

All my detours have worn me out for the moment. What an imaginative mind can do.....lol

The Book continued-

This book is copyrighted by Emily Chimner aka jaime long. No use of this material without permission of the author.

I stood in the vestibule of the ice arena and didn't see anyone who might be waiting for a date. I thought, oh no, I should have looked at the picture! I look out the doorway and coming up the steps is this sophisticated looking man who walked with confidence. I bet it is him. He walks in the door, came up to me and introduced himself. Oh my God, this is the one I am supposed to be with. Now, corny as that sounds it's true. Then the only thing that I could think of that came out of my mouth was "I hope you have money because I can't pay". Oh my God! Did that really come out of my mouth!
We sat down on some bleachers and watched the enactment of Cinderella. Now that was appropriate, here I was sitting next to a man that was causing my gut feelings to go through the roof in approval. I got a very nice man on an online dating site, go figure. This was on online date that turned out good. (Boyfriend number 1 and 2, well, we'll get to them. They were on line dates but really relationships or you know, I'm not sure what to call the second one.)
I didn't think this would work. I thought I'll go to this, enjoy myself for a change and then go home. Wow. I'm so glad it didn't go that way! We ended up picking up part of his family and going to the casino (which was cool since I had only been once) and played the slots and listened to his family member sing. I had a good time. We or at least I seemed to loosen up as he seemed pretty laid back on the way to the casino.
Once we got back to our original destination I realized how late and how dark it was. I wasn't that familiar with driving in the dark to and from Cheboygan.
I spent the night and he respected me in the morning. (I so broke the 3 date rule but it was worth it.)
I just wonder how unhappy my life would be if I hadn't taken that chance and put myself out there or remained in emotional seclusion.
Then back to husband #2. He encouraged me to take a few dates. That puzzled me. What husband would let his wife go out on dates and possibly know she was having "sex"? When you totally withdrawal from your wife and you tell her to date, personally it made me feel like a slut, a failure and a nobody. Some people have agenda's and don't care who they hurt I suppose. He's never been honest with me. He has hurt me deliberately and have no recollection. Then reject me in the worst way a man could...I know, I know, I have responsibility in this whole mess somewhere. I became ill from exposure (documented medically) to a deadly chemical. My life and the lives of those around me were severely altered if not destroyed. I carried around bitterness over being disabled and losing everything. After 5 years I think I have let it go. I can't change what happened. I didn't want it to happen. There are far worse off people in my old hometown of Lewiston, Michigan.
That could be a whole other book, and oh, it is. Called Big Oil in Small Town America by Jaime Long through Xlibris and LuLu. How clever of me to sneak that in.
While I'm blubbering over about husband #4 and final husband, I have to say I never knew love before or was ever happy before now. It is a wonderful feeling. People notice that too. My whole demeanor is changing. I am happy and I have my joe to thank for that. (I know it comes from within) We get along so well and have many things in common but know when to give the other their space. No one is going to take our "happy" away. Not a person, my darn health or his job could take away our "happy". If two people love each other anything is possible. One may get more insecure than the other but it balances out in the end. I am 51 years old and for the first time I am happy and in love. I have found the man I want to grow old with. I have finally made a good choice. He just has to live with the influence of husband number 1,2,3 and boyfriend 1 and 2. It's not all bad either. It looks like I am promiscuous but the opposite. Remember that last sentence as I go back though history....

Book continued

The only way to start this way is to start backwards first. You see, I am who I am today because of all this "stuff". The finished product is who husband #4 is receiving. With smiles and open arms and I scratch my head and think how lucky am I. After all the screw ups I have made in my life, and there have been many, the frog (that would be me) ended up with the prince. This may all seem so mushy romantic you want to be sick, go ahead, I'll wait.
It was a meeting that almost didn't take place. I don't even want to think how my life would have gone if I hadn't taken that impulse moment to put that ad on Craig's List. Yeah, I put myself out there on a website. The same websites I came to despise husband #3 for. I was on Craig's List looking for an apartment a friend told me about and I saw the personals.
I began to talk to myself, as I usually do (and proud of it), about what I was thinking of doing. Yes, no, yes, no, oh maybe, yeah, what the heck! On my posting went to Craig's List and the date was March 1, 2009. "Tired of being ignored, is there a romantic out there?" was my listing on Craig's list.
Husband #3 and I were having problems for a number of years. I had moved out a couple of times. When I had moved out the last time the apartment ended up with black mold in it. I was constantly sick in that apartment and in the end I couldn't live there. I couldn't even pack up my own things because I couldn't be there. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Where was I going to go? #3 and I had been getting closer, I thought. I was spending more time at our old apartment than I did at mine. He's always there for me especially during that time. I'm digressing but just go with it.
When #3 thought he was going to lose his job I was there for him. We laid in bed holding each other tight. I willed all my strength to him because this was a blow I didn't know if he could sustain again. We were so close. We talked, apologized and was glad to be together. I wanted that to last forever. I wished and wished it but I knew it wouldn't happen. As soon as his job was stable again he went back to pushing me away physically and emotionally. He remembers only what he wants to, accurate or not.
He asked me to move back "home" from my apartment. Meaning move back home and try on this marriage was what I assumed. #3 really does have a good heart I just don't think he knows what his heart feels. Or doesn't want to feel because that will make him vulnerable. I tried so hard to be what he wanted that I lost myself. I was a shell of a woman but #3 was there for me...until the truth came out. He didn't want to work on the marriage he just said that so I wasn't homeless (which I would have been.) As grateful as I should have been I felt very betrayed. Not only did he not want me physically or emotionally but not as his wife either.
He was willing to give me a roof over my head and I should feel grateful. Some weeks went by and we got settled into a routine.
I wanted sex and he had no interest in it. I am a sexual being. I loved to be touched and I love to touch. Some say I am too affectionate but this is who I am. The last 9 years of my life I have had to squelch who I really am. I feel so liberated now that I can be myself again.
I will be forever grateful to #3 for looking out for me and giving me a roof. We just are better off not being together. We get along quite well this way. No matter what has happened in the last 9 years I feel as if I could go to him as a friend and he would be there.
At this point, before posting on Craig's List, I thought I had decided to settle on a life with #3 with love (not sure I even knew what love was), no emotion, no touching, no sex and feeling like a nobody. Cruising through Craig's List brought part of me back to life. I didn't have to settle. There has to be somebody out there who would like my company. I wasn't broken (#3 used to tell me), I could please a man and I was lovable.
Then #4's email came in. I was so nervous to open it. Here was a man who actually wanted to go out with me. Wait, now I had to be careful, slow down. He wrote me again and again and again. Each time would paralyzing when I went to open them. I got of other requests for dates but I deleted them. I was so nervous after #4 kept writing I thought I am going to take myself off Craig's List. I shouldn't be doing this. This was what I had a problem with #3 with. I needed to remember the hurt I felt knowing what he was doing. No, that didn't work, I want to write this guy back.
#4 sent me a picture and though he will know it now I didn't look at it. I didn't care what he looked like. Looks did not matter to me and this was my test on that. It took me a couple of days to get back on the computer to get his last email. I hadn't felt like being on the computer. When I finally opened it I jumped up. He had invited me to a iceskating show and it was later that afternoon. The date was March 14, 2009.
I impulsively wrote him asking him if it wasn't too late to take him up on his offer. Fortunately he answered me back right away and the date was made.
I am a true believer in following your gut feeling. My gut feeling was telling me to meet this guy.
I felt so strongly about it it kind of scared me. Seconds after meeting him I knew why those feelings were so strong....