Ah life is good, FH #4 is home on vacation. I have been working on wedding plans but I don't know how I am supposed to pull this off when I don't have any money. I'll wear my long nightgown down the aisle and put a bubble gum ring (that dates me) on his finger LOL. It is so much fun. Life is good!
I guess we are to boyfriend #2. Oh, this is the painful one. This is the heart wrenching hurt that will make my heart forever bruised. Yes, I met him online. I had met the English guy right after I got on the computer in 1998. He started chatting with me and then would disappear online for weeks at a time. We talked about everything. He challenged my mind and made me feel "stupid" on many occasions. I eventually came around to his way of thinking. He's the master of debate and I bet that hasn't changed now. We chatted on and off for 2 years. In 2000 he decided to come and and visit his "chat friends" in the States. We were just friends, talked on the phone a few times so I had no problem with him coming to visit me. I thought how cool is this? lol
My English man came and what happened was the farthest thing from my mind. I was almost divorced from husband #2 (of 20 years) and felt independent. I did not expect to find him so charming and romantic. I fell in love with my English man and my friends thought I was nuts but off to England I went. I lost most of my inheritance in the process (family approval was low) but he was worth it. Boy do I regret that decision. I'm not into money but it was a hurtful thing to have done. (What's up with families anyway?) In the end my Englishman would take part of my heart I could never have back and he stomped on it. He couldn't keep off the computer. Not just regular computer work but seeking out other women. Even while I was asleep in his bed when I visited. I had no idea about that gem until years later. The way he broke up was horrible and the insensitivity felt criminal.
He said he loved me. I don't take falling in love lightly. I may have done it quickly a couple times but my heart knows what it wants. Time is however you want to measure it in love. Some know right away and some take longer.
I just didn't expect someone I loved to be so hurtful. Why couldn't he have been honest about his behavior and not string along an innocent person. What an ass! I turned out to be the "ass" I suppose in the end. I couldn't see what was going on until it was too late. Didn't learn that lesson from husband #3 either. I began to think what was wrong with me? Wasn't I good enough for a man? I knew I was but I was so beaten down after a good 29 years of marital, emotional and physical suppression I guess I couldn't see the good in myself.
He played the "love" game with the stroke of a knife and I was his victim. He still keeps tabs on me even now. I can't figure that one out but it is comforting at some level. No matter what we had to face we had always made it through and back together but not this time.
He made a good observation when my marriage to husband #3 fell apart. He said it was my fault as I was pining for another man for 9 years, meaning him. At first I was pissed but once I settled down I realized he was right. Damn him for being right! I still miss him and would like to just be friends but I don't think he could handle it.
After much soul searching I am over him. As much as I can be over someone like him but I don't "pine" for him anymore and haven't for a while. I know that FH#4 has no emotional threats from Boyfriend #2 like Husband #3 did. FH#4 just has my health but I am quite the fighter but I digress....I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and take my marriage vows to heart.
When I am a friend, I am a loyal, devoted friend. When I am married I am a wife to my husband. I am loyal and devoted unless forced otherwise. I feel like a fool when I look back at my relationship track record but I get back up on that horse and try again. I knew there was someone out there for me and I am so thankful to have found him, FH #4. All the failures were coming down on me and the pressure of it all were becoming unbearable but the ol fighting "Emily" came back. I was worthy I just figured I was doomed to a life of unhapppiness with husband #3. He made it quite clear he didn't want me in any matrimonial way. I have many flashbacks of my failure with my Englishman and wasn't clear what I had done? Nothing I realize now.
Right before I had given up on life, men, well, just about everything Joe came into my life. FH#4 has given me the confidence in myself and to know I have found my "soul mate", I am worthy and what a difference in my life and his too. Laughter is a nice thing to experience.......
My Englishman, forever in my healing heart, and pissed off too!
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