Book continued

The only way to start this way is to start backwards first. You see, I am who I am today because of all this "stuff". The finished product is who husband #4 is receiving. With smiles and open arms and I scratch my head and think how lucky am I. After all the screw ups I have made in my life, and there have been many, the frog (that would be me) ended up with the prince. This may all seem so mushy romantic you want to be sick, go ahead, I'll wait.
It was a meeting that almost didn't take place. I don't even want to think how my life would have gone if I hadn't taken that impulse moment to put that ad on Craig's List. Yeah, I put myself out there on a website. The same websites I came to despise husband #3 for. I was on Craig's List looking for an apartment a friend told me about and I saw the personals.
I began to talk to myself, as I usually do (and proud of it), about what I was thinking of doing. Yes, no, yes, no, oh maybe, yeah, what the heck! On my posting went to Craig's List and the date was March 1, 2009. "Tired of being ignored, is there a romantic out there?" was my listing on Craig's list.
Husband #3 and I were having problems for a number of years. I had moved out a couple of times. When I had moved out the last time the apartment ended up with black mold in it. I was constantly sick in that apartment and in the end I couldn't live there. I couldn't even pack up my own things because I couldn't be there. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Where was I going to go? #3 and I had been getting closer, I thought. I was spending more time at our old apartment than I did at mine. He's always there for me especially during that time. I'm digressing but just go with it.
When #3 thought he was going to lose his job I was there for him. We laid in bed holding each other tight. I willed all my strength to him because this was a blow I didn't know if he could sustain again. We were so close. We talked, apologized and was glad to be together. I wanted that to last forever. I wished and wished it but I knew it wouldn't happen. As soon as his job was stable again he went back to pushing me away physically and emotionally. He remembers only what he wants to, accurate or not.
He asked me to move back "home" from my apartment. Meaning move back home and try on this marriage was what I assumed. #3 really does have a good heart I just don't think he knows what his heart feels. Or doesn't want to feel because that will make him vulnerable. I tried so hard to be what he wanted that I lost myself. I was a shell of a woman but #3 was there for me...until the truth came out. He didn't want to work on the marriage he just said that so I wasn't homeless (which I would have been.) As grateful as I should have been I felt very betrayed. Not only did he not want me physically or emotionally but not as his wife either.
He was willing to give me a roof over my head and I should feel grateful. Some weeks went by and we got settled into a routine.
I wanted sex and he had no interest in it. I am a sexual being. I loved to be touched and I love to touch. Some say I am too affectionate but this is who I am. The last 9 years of my life I have had to squelch who I really am. I feel so liberated now that I can be myself again.
I will be forever grateful to #3 for looking out for me and giving me a roof. We just are better off not being together. We get along quite well this way. No matter what has happened in the last 9 years I feel as if I could go to him as a friend and he would be there.
At this point, before posting on Craig's List, I thought I had decided to settle on a life with #3 with love (not sure I even knew what love was), no emotion, no touching, no sex and feeling like a nobody. Cruising through Craig's List brought part of me back to life. I didn't have to settle. There has to be somebody out there who would like my company. I wasn't broken (#3 used to tell me), I could please a man and I was lovable.
Then #4's email came in. I was so nervous to open it. Here was a man who actually wanted to go out with me. Wait, now I had to be careful, slow down. He wrote me again and again and again. Each time would paralyzing when I went to open them. I got of other requests for dates but I deleted them. I was so nervous after #4 kept writing I thought I am going to take myself off Craig's List. I shouldn't be doing this. This was what I had a problem with #3 with. I needed to remember the hurt I felt knowing what he was doing. No, that didn't work, I want to write this guy back.
#4 sent me a picture and though he will know it now I didn't look at it. I didn't care what he looked like. Looks did not matter to me and this was my test on that. It took me a couple of days to get back on the computer to get his last email. I hadn't felt like being on the computer. When I finally opened it I jumped up. He had invited me to a iceskating show and it was later that afternoon. The date was March 14, 2009.
I impulsively wrote him asking him if it wasn't too late to take him up on his offer. Fortunately he answered me back right away and the date was made.
I am a true believer in following your gut feeling. My gut feeling was telling me to meet this guy.
I felt so strongly about it it kind of scared me. Seconds after meeting him I knew why those feelings were so strong....