I just need to vent. Please........I live my life looking out a window, literally. Glad to be alive but so lonely. No one calls, no one visits, no one cares......that is the way I feel today. I used to write alot, chat with a few friends or at least hear from them.....no one will get it through their head that I can not come visit if it is below Indian River, Michigan. I've done it and paid a high price every time. I can't go see my son, his wife and my grandchildren because I can't drive on the road to get to them, thanks Halliburton. My son lives maybe 2 hours away and I haven't seen him since Feb. I suppose he doesn't have much to compare to, we lived 30 miles from his fathers parents and rarely saw them. I would have liked to have seen them more but life goes on and children to be raised (no matter how unforgiving I seem to have been as a mother I've been told in a round about way.)
I want to visit my daughter but she very quickly said I shouldn't come down there. Was it because of all the pollution that would land me in the hospital and make it a nightmare for my daughter, which I would never want to do, or was that a trip out west with.....oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I love them anyway.
My lungs have been so good. The rest of my body is slowly deteriorating. I had such hopes, joe was going to enlarge the bathroom so I could get the larger tube in so I could do my physical therapy at home instead of driving an hour and saving lots of money. That is by the wayside too. There isn't any money or help to do it. Our bed is now downstairs permanently because the stairs are too hard to go up and down. Seeing as I fell down them last weekend when I was so frustrated to be at this time of my life and I can't afford a bathtub.
The ambulance run sucked but at least I didn't break anything. I don't want to do that again.
I am not ungrateful or whining I just need to vent because I don't think anyone REALLY knows what it is like to have your life turned upside down and "normal" life taken away by an industry. I just want a "friend" or child to tell me "it's ok, I won't desert you". I look around, yup deserted. It isn't that I haven't tried. It was great at our wedding when most of my closests friends were there and now they're gone.
I have asked Joe to tell his family why I don't visit and maybe they could visit me but he doesn't. It isn't important enough to him because he hasn't been where I am, not really.
I love my joe so much but when it comes down to it he forgets....forgets how painful it is to walk most days, how lonely is it to watch out the window and watch the few cars drive by. I can't clean very well because of the cleaners and joe is has many other things to do then to worry about what the house looks like. I try not to ask. I can't ask extended family Marianne and girls because we can't afford to pay anyone much and they were the only ones who would say "hey come over for dinner" or call to see how things were going. Those calls have stopped. No pity party just reality.
John and I did a craft show yesterday, he makes my beeswax candles, and it was so nice but hot to be outside. It was too hot to wear my mask but I tried. Joe forgets I've had a "stroke" and "should be responsible for myself"....I'm not able to be sometimes, especially during a "crisis" as I call them when I can't walk or move or whatever this muscular disease is going to give me day to day among other medical issues. Maybe I am jealous, he has so much energy and gets up and is ready to go for the day when I drag myself to the couch, or van seat which is ok, and some days can't function. I try to talk to Joe but it usually ends up he is right and I am wrong, I don't need that. If I shut down emotionally, which I am working at, then I won't communicate with him anymore and there goes that marriage! Actually I know my marriage is good. I just want the damn bathroom and his non chalent attitude about it hurts me.
I have so much life left in me but I want ANYONE to call or visit or listen or help. I know that is too much to ask of anyone. I have no family, except my children who I love dearly but they have no room for a mom. I miss my "sister" in England so much. We miss each other so much. Oh well.
I just feel like an ugly, useless blob that is no good to anyone. I think of all those people I wanted to help in my life and even now. But, you never give unless you expect nothing in return and that is how I lived but now I need help and no one is around but I expected nothing in return those years ago but never realizing I would need help physically.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know there are more far worse off than I but today it is me. Looking out the window with all the sunshine wondering how I will make it through this day, mostly alone and feeling useless. I didn't use to be this way. I just need help and there is no one to help. Well, I hope there is sunshine or rain, whichever you need, and you are enjoying life. Please enjoy life because you never know when life you know will be gone.
jaime
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What a guy
Some days I just shake my head and laugh. I am so blessed. Joe just called about the printer we needed. As a child I had a bed full of stuffed animals and I told Joe. On the way to the printer he saw a big stuffed dog and knew I would want it. For Valentines Day he gave me a 3 foot long "wiener" dog that said "I love you this much". I takes up half the bed. What a guy.
The last week was real challenging as we had started up the wood stove to see if I would react to it and I did and it took me down, literally, for a week. I could hardly walk. I was so down. I know it has to be hard for him to watch me in so much pain but still going. I wished I was dead at the worse point. Thanks oil and gas is all I can say.
It was a challenge but we overcame it and I am back on the road to perpetual recovery. At least I am upright and you can touch my skin. Yeah, now if my child would talk to me, life would be good.
I am kinda scared when he goes back to work on the boat. He sees what I go through and I think he is worried and trying his best to make things as safe and accessible for me as possible. Gosh. I love him so.
The last week was real challenging as we had started up the wood stove to see if I would react to it and I did and it took me down, literally, for a week. I could hardly walk. I was so down. I know it has to be hard for him to watch me in so much pain but still going. I wished I was dead at the worse point. Thanks oil and gas is all I can say.
It was a challenge but we overcame it and I am back on the road to perpetual recovery. At least I am upright and you can touch my skin. Yeah, now if my child would talk to me, life would be good.
I am kinda scared when he goes back to work on the boat. He sees what I go through and I think he is worried and trying his best to make things as safe and accessible for me as possible. Gosh. I love him so.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
FLEETING THOUGHTS
Have you ever had a thought just pop into your head? No idea where it came from and then there are more. Then there are so many you feel like your head is going to pop. That's how I feel right now. I thought I would share some of my sporadic thoughts.
How do post office machines know the name and address of someone when I can hardly read their writing?
Why are people nicer this time of year even though they didn't seem AS nice? It's like there is a switch that goes on around Halloween and those Christmas decorations start going up in the stores. What is up with THAT?
Next year I'm putting my Christmas decorations up in October when the weather isn't as cold and the ground is softer. Just won't flip the switch until Thanksgiving. Where are the days when you put your Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve? (I have never done that but just wondered.)
How do those chickadees stay warm in the winter. They are such little birds.
How does the big fish in a fish tank know not to eat the little fish in the tank with them?
When do children stop needing their mother's? Never I hope. I am 52 and I miss my mom alot and she died when I was 8 and have no memories of her. How do you explain that? When I see my own daughter pulling away all these years I panic. I believe a child always needs their mother in one way or another. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I know she is spreading her wings. Some children spread their wings so far they forget who loves them unconditionally.
What's up with not loving unconditionally. I had a boyfriend once (boyfriend #2) who told me there was no such thing as unconditional. Well, if someone is putting conditions on my love-family or friend then they have another thing coming (don't know what that might be but it sounded assertive) LOL. I love unconditionally and I love hard. Too hard at times. Never said I was perfect. Too bad some people feel they have to be. Now why is THAT?
On a grosser subject...how does a septic tank work. Oh I know I've been told. What about those drain fields? I see that commercial where they are tearing up a guys "drain field" and it doesn't look like anything than a torn up yard to me. Go figure. LOL
Just those thoughts going through my head! I'm not getting the dishes done LOL. They've been waiting a couple days.
How do post office machines know the name and address of someone when I can hardly read their writing?
Why are people nicer this time of year even though they didn't seem AS nice? It's like there is a switch that goes on around Halloween and those Christmas decorations start going up in the stores. What is up with THAT?
Next year I'm putting my Christmas decorations up in October when the weather isn't as cold and the ground is softer. Just won't flip the switch until Thanksgiving. Where are the days when you put your Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve? (I have never done that but just wondered.)
How do those chickadees stay warm in the winter. They are such little birds.
How does the big fish in a fish tank know not to eat the little fish in the tank with them?
When do children stop needing their mother's? Never I hope. I am 52 and I miss my mom alot and she died when I was 8 and have no memories of her. How do you explain that? When I see my own daughter pulling away all these years I panic. I believe a child always needs their mother in one way or another. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I know she is spreading her wings. Some children spread their wings so far they forget who loves them unconditionally.
What's up with not loving unconditionally. I had a boyfriend once (boyfriend #2) who told me there was no such thing as unconditional. Well, if someone is putting conditions on my love-family or friend then they have another thing coming (don't know what that might be but it sounded assertive) LOL. I love unconditionally and I love hard. Too hard at times. Never said I was perfect. Too bad some people feel they have to be. Now why is THAT?
On a grosser subject...how does a septic tank work. Oh I know I've been told. What about those drain fields? I see that commercial where they are tearing up a guys "drain field" and it doesn't look like anything than a torn up yard to me. Go figure. LOL
Just those thoughts going through my head! I'm not getting the dishes done LOL. They've been waiting a couple days.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Disappointment
I guess I am disappointed. Yeah, I'm disappointed. Just when you think someone's finally got it they really don't. I'm alone in this fight called life.
Yes, we should be able to handle our own battles, to an extent, I was just hoping that he finally realized what I go through but I keep on going. I was wrong.
I don't love him any less I just know that he can't deal with it. He can't. That's ok. It has to be because I love him. I'm used to being alone in things.
People say they are there but when it comes to crunch time they will do the backstroke and I find out who I can really count on, only myself.
I hate with every being in my body being chemically sensitive. I'm losing my spontaneity because things have to be planned. I hate knowing my symptoms won't get any better. My reactions are more severe. I try things that can make me better or react to and then I don't feel very well. I'm afraid to eat, go for a walk, see my husband or leave the house.
I hate being alone.
Oh the scroundrels I have had in my life. A couple not scroundrels at all, just stereotyped.
Yes, we should be able to handle our own battles, to an extent, I was just hoping that he finally realized what I go through but I keep on going. I was wrong.
I don't love him any less I just know that he can't deal with it. He can't. That's ok. It has to be because I love him. I'm used to being alone in things.
People say they are there but when it comes to crunch time they will do the backstroke and I find out who I can really count on, only myself.
I hate with every being in my body being chemically sensitive. I'm losing my spontaneity because things have to be planned. I hate knowing my symptoms won't get any better. My reactions are more severe. I try things that can make me better or react to and then I don't feel very well. I'm afraid to eat, go for a walk, see my husband or leave the house.
I hate being alone.
Oh the scroundrels I have had in my life. A couple not scroundrels at all, just stereotyped.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
To find such love is incredible.....
I never thought I would feel such love for someone. I didn't know this intensity existed. Wow, it's fantastic as my English sister would say. (Or anyone in England for that matter. Fantastic is the word to use over there.)
When he was home for the wedding for weeks it was great. I got used to having him here so when he left was rather traumatic. He says you poor thing and in the beginning, one time, I thought he was making fun of me then I realized he wasn't. He means it when he said you poor thing. I wonder if it bothers him that he has to leave me in that state when he goes back to work. That was a dumb question, I can see it in his eyes. I try not to cry, I do! I wear my heart on my sleeve for him to see and I can't hide anything from him. Nor do I want to.
When he is home and sleeping I watch him. He is so handsome. How lucky--no it wasn't luck it was Jesus and I make sure I praise him everyday for the man he sent me to live the rest of my life with.
I love him so much that I get shy around him. I look at him and blush as he has that special look and I feel shy, like a teenager. A lot of days I don't feel so attractive because I have this thing about my lack of much of a chin, my hair which is a lost cause and having lost so many teeth after the toxic exposure and high Prednisone use during time. I used to have a pretty smile, or at least that was I was told. I take terrible pictures, but that isn't new, it just is worse now. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. As long as I don't look in a mirror I have a picture of myself in my head how I looked before the toxic exposure, a nice smile, nice hair and no such a lack of chin and oh yeah, the hair again. I want to get a wig and then I don't have to worry if my hair doesn't cover the sparse spots. (I lose a good amount of hair every time I comb it).
He makes me laugh, he makes me figure some things out for myself, he keeps me going. Even when I am just too tired. He makes me eat. I love the way we are thinking the same thought at the same time. Wierd sometimes but cool too.
Corny maybe but I love him more everyday and I didn't think that was possible. I hope I can live up to the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What I mean is I hope I can keep up with him and if I can't he understands. Some days just getting out of bed and and a bath is all I can muster. Other days I'm off and running but I poop out quickly.
I've been feeling good these last weeks and it feels fantastic! He educates me on healthy stuff and so far I'm willing to try different things. I feel a difference and I like it! Thank you my cowboy and praise Jesus.
emily
When he was home for the wedding for weeks it was great. I got used to having him here so when he left was rather traumatic. He says you poor thing and in the beginning, one time, I thought he was making fun of me then I realized he wasn't. He means it when he said you poor thing. I wonder if it bothers him that he has to leave me in that state when he goes back to work. That was a dumb question, I can see it in his eyes. I try not to cry, I do! I wear my heart on my sleeve for him to see and I can't hide anything from him. Nor do I want to.
When he is home and sleeping I watch him. He is so handsome. How lucky--no it wasn't luck it was Jesus and I make sure I praise him everyday for the man he sent me to live the rest of my life with.
I love him so much that I get shy around him. I look at him and blush as he has that special look and I feel shy, like a teenager. A lot of days I don't feel so attractive because I have this thing about my lack of much of a chin, my hair which is a lost cause and having lost so many teeth after the toxic exposure and high Prednisone use during time. I used to have a pretty smile, or at least that was I was told. I take terrible pictures, but that isn't new, it just is worse now. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. As long as I don't look in a mirror I have a picture of myself in my head how I looked before the toxic exposure, a nice smile, nice hair and no such a lack of chin and oh yeah, the hair again. I want to get a wig and then I don't have to worry if my hair doesn't cover the sparse spots. (I lose a good amount of hair every time I comb it).
He makes me laugh, he makes me figure some things out for myself, he keeps me going. Even when I am just too tired. He makes me eat. I love the way we are thinking the same thought at the same time. Wierd sometimes but cool too.
Corny maybe but I love him more everyday and I didn't think that was possible. I hope I can live up to the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What I mean is I hope I can keep up with him and if I can't he understands. Some days just getting out of bed and and a bath is all I can muster. Other days I'm off and running but I poop out quickly.
I've been feeling good these last weeks and it feels fantastic! He educates me on healthy stuff and so far I'm willing to try different things. I feel a difference and I like it! Thank you my cowboy and praise Jesus.
emily
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Start of a book-copyrighted
Remember if you are just starting to read my book go way to the bottom and the book starts at the bottom of the blogs and work up.
Ok, now that husband #1 has coincidentally appeared in my life I have some feelings to explore. Ok, explored them and found nothing I felt like dealing with.
It is fun having gotten in contact with him. I never thought that would happen. He has a dryish sense of humor. Just to show you things are not always what they appear to be. LOL
What am feeling? Just friendship and glad he is still alive. I could dwell on the marriage that was over 30 years ago but I'm not anymore. What happened happened and the past can't be changed. He has changed my life and has had a hand in who I am today. I bet he will be surprised to read that, ah, when I tell him I am writing my book on a blog space.(my very rough draft)
FH #4 has been coming home when he can even if it is for 33 minutes, YES! One day last week I got to see him for 33 minutes but 5 hours four days later. What do I have to complain about? Really nothing, I'm happy for the first time in my life. I have finally found my soulmate and the love of my life.
I am afraid I won't be able to live up to what he wants in a woman. I'm not supposed to live alone and here I am alone. I thought I would be ok but I need validation of my feelings. He says we will face whatever comes our way together. How can we when he is not here and I am left to face more medical issues by myself? I can't face it by myself, my stroked brain can't retain information and I get overwhelmed very easily. Oh sure I am making it now, he doesn't understand or see how hard this is. I guess I can't expect him to since he has been doing his job for 30 years. Neither of us want to be alone but he has his job and I am sitting here scared of my future healthwise and having to face it alone. Sure he can email me, if he will, or call but how is that being here for each other. I'm sure I'll be told he is being here for me...
Oh, I'll never get the dog we talked about to keep me company. How can a dog help me when I have fainted and fallen down some steps unconscious and wake up praying I haven't broken anything. I love FH#4 with all my heart and I will always be here waiting for him but how do I get him to understand that this is so hard for me. Every time he leaves to go back my heart aches and (as usual) I cry for about a day after ( leaving him when he visits with smiles and flashes!) He can't see how hard this is on me? It's easier when I get to visit him at his work, the seperation doesn't feel as hard when I leave him at his job and drive home. It seems like a piece of cake for him that he can't see how emotionally hard this is on me. If this is hard for him I wish he would tell me. Maybe he wished I would stop talking as that was what husband #3 told me a couple times, "I talked too much." Husband #3 would rather have quiet than listen to anyone, especially his wife. Come to think about it husband #2 didn't like talking to me much either. In my defense husband #2 and 3 were very quiet, introverted people who didn't enjoy the company of others.
FH#4 treats me like a queen. I'm not complaining just voicing my worries. I want to live the rest of my life with him. I know his worries. He may not know I know but I do. I pray he stays safe to come home to me and he does the same thing. We will think the same thoughts and do similiar things at the same time and be surprised and laugh about it. How in tune can two people be?
I can't wait for him to come home knowing he won't have to leave again. I think I have a long time to wait....I just want him to be happy. I don't want to lose our "happy" cause it's great! :)
Emily
Ever since writing this particular one I was awfully hard on FH#4. He is a wonderful, caring man and I have way too much time to over think things. I don't think I want to write this anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't wait to be with my FH #4. I am so grateful I found him on the COMPUTER and took the leap of faith. It is a wonderful thing and I think writing a book like this is just not fair to him. Bye..........emily
Ok, now that husband #1 has coincidentally appeared in my life I have some feelings to explore. Ok, explored them and found nothing I felt like dealing with.
It is fun having gotten in contact with him. I never thought that would happen. He has a dryish sense of humor. Just to show you things are not always what they appear to be. LOL
What am feeling? Just friendship and glad he is still alive. I could dwell on the marriage that was over 30 years ago but I'm not anymore. What happened happened and the past can't be changed. He has changed my life and has had a hand in who I am today. I bet he will be surprised to read that, ah, when I tell him I am writing my book on a blog space.(my very rough draft)
FH #4 has been coming home when he can even if it is for 33 minutes, YES! One day last week I got to see him for 33 minutes but 5 hours four days later. What do I have to complain about? Really nothing, I'm happy for the first time in my life. I have finally found my soulmate and the love of my life.
I am afraid I won't be able to live up to what he wants in a woman. I'm not supposed to live alone and here I am alone. I thought I would be ok but I need validation of my feelings. He says we will face whatever comes our way together. How can we when he is not here and I am left to face more medical issues by myself? I can't face it by myself, my stroked brain can't retain information and I get overwhelmed very easily. Oh sure I am making it now, he doesn't understand or see how hard this is. I guess I can't expect him to since he has been doing his job for 30 years. Neither of us want to be alone but he has his job and I am sitting here scared of my future healthwise and having to face it alone. Sure he can email me, if he will, or call but how is that being here for each other. I'm sure I'll be told he is being here for me...
Oh, I'll never get the dog we talked about to keep me company. How can a dog help me when I have fainted and fallen down some steps unconscious and wake up praying I haven't broken anything. I love FH#4 with all my heart and I will always be here waiting for him but how do I get him to understand that this is so hard for me. Every time he leaves to go back my heart aches and (as usual) I cry for about a day after ( leaving him when he visits with smiles and flashes!) He can't see how hard this is on me? It's easier when I get to visit him at his work, the seperation doesn't feel as hard when I leave him at his job and drive home. It seems like a piece of cake for him that he can't see how emotionally hard this is on me. If this is hard for him I wish he would tell me. Maybe he wished I would stop talking as that was what husband #3 told me a couple times, "I talked too much." Husband #3 would rather have quiet than listen to anyone, especially his wife. Come to think about it husband #2 didn't like talking to me much either. In my defense husband #2 and 3 were very quiet, introverted people who didn't enjoy the company of others.
FH#4 treats me like a queen. I'm not complaining just voicing my worries. I want to live the rest of my life with him. I know his worries. He may not know I know but I do. I pray he stays safe to come home to me and he does the same thing. We will think the same thoughts and do similiar things at the same time and be surprised and laugh about it. How in tune can two people be?
I can't wait for him to come home knowing he won't have to leave again. I think I have a long time to wait....I just want him to be happy. I don't want to lose our "happy" cause it's great! :)
Emily
Ever since writing this particular one I was awfully hard on FH#4. He is a wonderful, caring man and I have way too much time to over think things. I don't think I want to write this anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't wait to be with my FH #4. I am so grateful I found him on the COMPUTER and took the leap of faith. It is a wonderful thing and I think writing a book like this is just not fair to him. Bye..........emily
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Book continued
The only way to start this way is to start backwards first. You see, I am who I am today because of all this "stuff". The finished product is who husband #4 is receiving. With smiles and open arms and I scratch my head and think how lucky am I. After all the screw ups I have made in my life, and there have been many, the frog (that would be me) ended up with the prince. This may all seem so mushy romantic you want to be sick, go ahead, I'll wait.
It was a meeting that almost didn't take place. I don't even want to think how my life would have gone if I hadn't taken that impulse moment to put that ad on Craig's List. Yeah, I put myself out there on a website. The same websites I came to despise husband #3 for. I was on Craig's List looking for an apartment a friend told me about and I saw the personals.
I began to talk to myself, as I usually do (and proud of it), about what I was thinking of doing. Yes, no, yes, no, oh maybe, yeah, what the heck! On my posting went to Craig's List and the date was March 1, 2009. "Tired of being ignored, is there a romantic out there?" was my listing on Craig's list.
Husband #3 and I were having problems for a number of years. I had moved out a couple of times. When I had moved out the last time the apartment ended up with black mold in it. I was constantly sick in that apartment and in the end I couldn't live there. I couldn't even pack up my own things because I couldn't be there. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Where was I going to go? #3 and I had been getting closer, I thought. I was spending more time at our old apartment than I did at mine. He's always there for me especially during that time. I'm digressing but just go with it.
When #3 thought he was going to lose his job I was there for him. We laid in bed holding each other tight. I willed all my strength to him because this was a blow I didn't know if he could sustain again. We were so close. We talked, apologized and was glad to be together. I wanted that to last forever. I wished and wished it but I knew it wouldn't happen. As soon as his job was stable again he went back to pushing me away physically and emotionally. He remembers only what he wants to, accurate or not.
He asked me to move back "home" from my apartment. Meaning move back home and try on this marriage was what I assumed. #3 really does have a good heart I just don't think he knows what his heart feels. Or doesn't want to feel because that will make him vulnerable. I tried so hard to be what he wanted that I lost myself. I was a shell of a woman but #3 was there for me...until the truth came out. He didn't want to work on the marriage he just said that so I wasn't homeless (which I would have been.) As grateful as I should have been I felt very betrayed. Not only did he not want me physically or emotionally but not as his wife either.
He was willing to give me a roof over my head and I should feel grateful. Some weeks went by and we got settled into a routine.
I wanted sex and he had no interest in it. I am a sexual being. I loved to be touched and I love to touch. Some say I am too affectionate but this is who I am. The last 9 years of my life I have had to squelch who I really am. I feel so liberated now that I can be myself again.
I will be forever grateful to #3 for looking out for me and giving me a roof. We just are better off not being together. We get along quite well this way. No matter what has happened in the last 9 years I feel as if I could go to him as a friend and he would be there.
At this point, before posting on Craig's List, I thought I had decided to settle on a life with #3 with love (not sure I even knew what love was), no emotion, no touching, no sex and feeling like a nobody. Cruising through Craig's List brought part of me back to life. I didn't have to settle. There has to be somebody out there who would like my company. I wasn't broken (#3 used to tell me), I could please a man and I was lovable.
Then #4's email came in. I was so nervous to open it. Here was a man who actually wanted to go out with me. Wait, now I had to be careful, slow down. He wrote me again and again and again. Each time would paralyzing when I went to open them. I got of other requests for dates but I deleted them. I was so nervous after #4 kept writing I thought I am going to take myself off Craig's List. I shouldn't be doing this. This was what I had a problem with #3 with. I needed to remember the hurt I felt knowing what he was doing. No, that didn't work, I want to write this guy back.
#4 sent me a picture and though he will know it now I didn't look at it. I didn't care what he looked like. Looks did not matter to me and this was my test on that. It took me a couple of days to get back on the computer to get his last email. I hadn't felt like being on the computer. When I finally opened it I jumped up. He had invited me to a iceskating show and it was later that afternoon. The date was March 14, 2009.
I impulsively wrote him asking him if it wasn't too late to take him up on his offer. Fortunately he answered me back right away and the date was made.
I am a true believer in following your gut feeling. My gut feeling was telling me to meet this guy.
I felt so strongly about it it kind of scared me. Seconds after meeting him I knew why those feelings were so strong....
It was a meeting that almost didn't take place. I don't even want to think how my life would have gone if I hadn't taken that impulse moment to put that ad on Craig's List. Yeah, I put myself out there on a website. The same websites I came to despise husband #3 for. I was on Craig's List looking for an apartment a friend told me about and I saw the personals.
I began to talk to myself, as I usually do (and proud of it), about what I was thinking of doing. Yes, no, yes, no, oh maybe, yeah, what the heck! On my posting went to Craig's List and the date was March 1, 2009. "Tired of being ignored, is there a romantic out there?" was my listing on Craig's list.
Husband #3 and I were having problems for a number of years. I had moved out a couple of times. When I had moved out the last time the apartment ended up with black mold in it. I was constantly sick in that apartment and in the end I couldn't live there. I couldn't even pack up my own things because I couldn't be there. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Where was I going to go? #3 and I had been getting closer, I thought. I was spending more time at our old apartment than I did at mine. He's always there for me especially during that time. I'm digressing but just go with it.
When #3 thought he was going to lose his job I was there for him. We laid in bed holding each other tight. I willed all my strength to him because this was a blow I didn't know if he could sustain again. We were so close. We talked, apologized and was glad to be together. I wanted that to last forever. I wished and wished it but I knew it wouldn't happen. As soon as his job was stable again he went back to pushing me away physically and emotionally. He remembers only what he wants to, accurate or not.
He asked me to move back "home" from my apartment. Meaning move back home and try on this marriage was what I assumed. #3 really does have a good heart I just don't think he knows what his heart feels. Or doesn't want to feel because that will make him vulnerable. I tried so hard to be what he wanted that I lost myself. I was a shell of a woman but #3 was there for me...until the truth came out. He didn't want to work on the marriage he just said that so I wasn't homeless (which I would have been.) As grateful as I should have been I felt very betrayed. Not only did he not want me physically or emotionally but not as his wife either.
He was willing to give me a roof over my head and I should feel grateful. Some weeks went by and we got settled into a routine.
I wanted sex and he had no interest in it. I am a sexual being. I loved to be touched and I love to touch. Some say I am too affectionate but this is who I am. The last 9 years of my life I have had to squelch who I really am. I feel so liberated now that I can be myself again.
I will be forever grateful to #3 for looking out for me and giving me a roof. We just are better off not being together. We get along quite well this way. No matter what has happened in the last 9 years I feel as if I could go to him as a friend and he would be there.
At this point, before posting on Craig's List, I thought I had decided to settle on a life with #3 with love (not sure I even knew what love was), no emotion, no touching, no sex and feeling like a nobody. Cruising through Craig's List brought part of me back to life. I didn't have to settle. There has to be somebody out there who would like my company. I wasn't broken (#3 used to tell me), I could please a man and I was lovable.
Then #4's email came in. I was so nervous to open it. Here was a man who actually wanted to go out with me. Wait, now I had to be careful, slow down. He wrote me again and again and again. Each time would paralyzing when I went to open them. I got of other requests for dates but I deleted them. I was so nervous after #4 kept writing I thought I am going to take myself off Craig's List. I shouldn't be doing this. This was what I had a problem with #3 with. I needed to remember the hurt I felt knowing what he was doing. No, that didn't work, I want to write this guy back.
#4 sent me a picture and though he will know it now I didn't look at it. I didn't care what he looked like. Looks did not matter to me and this was my test on that. It took me a couple of days to get back on the computer to get his last email. I hadn't felt like being on the computer. When I finally opened it I jumped up. He had invited me to a iceskating show and it was later that afternoon. The date was March 14, 2009.
I impulsively wrote him asking him if it wasn't too late to take him up on his offer. Fortunately he answered me back right away and the date was made.
I am a true believer in following your gut feeling. My gut feeling was telling me to meet this guy.
I felt so strongly about it it kind of scared me. Seconds after meeting him I knew why those feelings were so strong....
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