I just need to vent. Please........I live my life looking out a window, literally. Glad to be alive but so lonely. No one calls, no one visits, no one cares......that is the way I feel today. I used to write alot, chat with a few friends or at least hear from them.....no one will get it through their head that I can not come visit if it is below Indian River, Michigan. I've done it and paid a high price every time. I can't go see my son, his wife and my grandchildren because I can't drive on the road to get to them, thanks Halliburton. My son lives maybe 2 hours away and I haven't seen him since Feb. I suppose he doesn't have much to compare to, we lived 30 miles from his fathers parents and rarely saw them. I would have liked to have seen them more but life goes on and children to be raised (no matter how unforgiving I seem to have been as a mother I've been told in a round about way.)
I want to visit my daughter but she very quickly said I shouldn't come down there. Was it because of all the pollution that would land me in the hospital and make it a nightmare for my daughter, which I would never want to do, or was that a trip out west with.....oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I love them anyway.
My lungs have been so good. The rest of my body is slowly deteriorating. I had such hopes, joe was going to enlarge the bathroom so I could get the larger tube in so I could do my physical therapy at home instead of driving an hour and saving lots of money. That is by the wayside too. There isn't any money or help to do it. Our bed is now downstairs permanently because the stairs are too hard to go up and down. Seeing as I fell down them last weekend when I was so frustrated to be at this time of my life and I can't afford a bathtub.
The ambulance run sucked but at least I didn't break anything. I don't want to do that again.
I am not ungrateful or whining I just need to vent because I don't think anyone REALLY knows what it is like to have your life turned upside down and "normal" life taken away by an industry. I just want a "friend" or child to tell me "it's ok, I won't desert you". I look around, yup deserted. It isn't that I haven't tried. It was great at our wedding when most of my closests friends were there and now they're gone.
I have asked Joe to tell his family why I don't visit and maybe they could visit me but he doesn't. It isn't important enough to him because he hasn't been where I am, not really.
I love my joe so much but when it comes down to it he forgets....forgets how painful it is to walk most days, how lonely is it to watch out the window and watch the few cars drive by. I can't clean very well because of the cleaners and joe is has many other things to do then to worry about what the house looks like. I try not to ask. I can't ask extended family Marianne and girls because we can't afford to pay anyone much and they were the only ones who would say "hey come over for dinner" or call to see how things were going. Those calls have stopped. No pity party just reality.
John and I did a craft show yesterday, he makes my beeswax candles, and it was so nice but hot to be outside. It was too hot to wear my mask but I tried. Joe forgets I've had a "stroke" and "should be responsible for myself"....I'm not able to be sometimes, especially during a "crisis" as I call them when I can't walk or move or whatever this muscular disease is going to give me day to day among other medical issues. Maybe I am jealous, he has so much energy and gets up and is ready to go for the day when I drag myself to the couch, or van seat which is ok, and some days can't function. I try to talk to Joe but it usually ends up he is right and I am wrong, I don't need that. If I shut down emotionally, which I am working at, then I won't communicate with him anymore and there goes that marriage! Actually I know my marriage is good. I just want the damn bathroom and his non chalent attitude about it hurts me.
I have so much life left in me but I want ANYONE to call or visit or listen or help. I know that is too much to ask of anyone. I have no family, except my children who I love dearly but they have no room for a mom. I miss my "sister" in England so much. We miss each other so much. Oh well.
I just feel like an ugly, useless blob that is no good to anyone. I think of all those people I wanted to help in my life and even now. But, you never give unless you expect nothing in return and that is how I lived but now I need help and no one is around but I expected nothing in return those years ago but never realizing I would need help physically.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know there are more far worse off than I but today it is me. Looking out the window with all the sunshine wondering how I will make it through this day, mostly alone and feeling useless. I didn't use to be this way. I just need help and there is no one to help. Well, I hope there is sunshine or rain, whichever you need, and you are enjoying life. Please enjoy life because you never know when life you know will be gone.
jaime
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