I just need to vent. Please........I live my life looking out a window, literally. Glad to be alive but so lonely. No one calls, no one visits, no one cares......that is the way I feel today. I used to write alot, chat with a few friends or at least hear from them.....no one will get it through their head that I can not come visit if it is below Indian River, Michigan. I've done it and paid a high price every time. I can't go see my son, his wife and my grandchildren because I can't drive on the road to get to them, thanks Halliburton. My son lives maybe 2 hours away and I haven't seen him since Feb. I suppose he doesn't have much to compare to, we lived 30 miles from his fathers parents and rarely saw them. I would have liked to have seen them more but life goes on and children to be raised (no matter how unforgiving I seem to have been as a mother I've been told in a round about way.)
I want to visit my daughter but she very quickly said I shouldn't come down there. Was it because of all the pollution that would land me in the hospital and make it a nightmare for my daughter, which I would never want to do, or was that a trip out west with.....oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I love them anyway.
My lungs have been so good. The rest of my body is slowly deteriorating. I had such hopes, joe was going to enlarge the bathroom so I could get the larger tube in so I could do my physical therapy at home instead of driving an hour and saving lots of money. That is by the wayside too. There isn't any money or help to do it. Our bed is now downstairs permanently because the stairs are too hard to go up and down. Seeing as I fell down them last weekend when I was so frustrated to be at this time of my life and I can't afford a bathtub.
The ambulance run sucked but at least I didn't break anything. I don't want to do that again.
I am not ungrateful or whining I just need to vent because I don't think anyone REALLY knows what it is like to have your life turned upside down and "normal" life taken away by an industry. I just want a "friend" or child to tell me "it's ok, I won't desert you". I look around, yup deserted. It isn't that I haven't tried. It was great at our wedding when most of my closests friends were there and now they're gone.
I have asked Joe to tell his family why I don't visit and maybe they could visit me but he doesn't. It isn't important enough to him because he hasn't been where I am, not really.
I love my joe so much but when it comes down to it he forgets....forgets how painful it is to walk most days, how lonely is it to watch out the window and watch the few cars drive by. I can't clean very well because of the cleaners and joe is has many other things to do then to worry about what the house looks like. I try not to ask. I can't ask extended family Marianne and girls because we can't afford to pay anyone much and they were the only ones who would say "hey come over for dinner" or call to see how things were going. Those calls have stopped. No pity party just reality.
John and I did a craft show yesterday, he makes my beeswax candles, and it was so nice but hot to be outside. It was too hot to wear my mask but I tried. Joe forgets I've had a "stroke" and "should be responsible for myself"....I'm not able to be sometimes, especially during a "crisis" as I call them when I can't walk or move or whatever this muscular disease is going to give me day to day among other medical issues. Maybe I am jealous, he has so much energy and gets up and is ready to go for the day when I drag myself to the couch, or van seat which is ok, and some days can't function. I try to talk to Joe but it usually ends up he is right and I am wrong, I don't need that. If I shut down emotionally, which I am working at, then I won't communicate with him anymore and there goes that marriage! Actually I know my marriage is good. I just want the damn bathroom and his non chalent attitude about it hurts me.
I have so much life left in me but I want ANYONE to call or visit or listen or help. I know that is too much to ask of anyone. I have no family, except my children who I love dearly but they have no room for a mom. I miss my "sister" in England so much. We miss each other so much. Oh well.
I just feel like an ugly, useless blob that is no good to anyone. I think of all those people I wanted to help in my life and even now. But, you never give unless you expect nothing in return and that is how I lived but now I need help and no one is around but I expected nothing in return those years ago but never realizing I would need help physically.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know there are more far worse off than I but today it is me. Looking out the window with all the sunshine wondering how I will make it through this day, mostly alone and feeling useless. I didn't use to be this way. I just need help and there is no one to help. Well, I hope there is sunshine or rain, whichever you need, and you are enjoying life. Please enjoy life because you never know when life you know will be gone.
jaime
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Book continued-copyright material
I should say that if you are just starting to read this book then you have to scroll down to where it starts. The first one you see on my blog is the newest addition.This isn't a "Mommy Dearest" or tell all book. Just my experiences with online dating good and bad. Making better choices in men helps! Feel free to comment or point out mistakes. I can take it.
I feel at this point I have to divert for a few and point out a life changing event. Very soon after my 8th birthday my mother died at age 38. It was from aplastic anemia and it killed her within 3 weeks of the diagnosis. My sister and I and my mom and dad were the family unit. My dad was always difficult but bits and pieces I have gotten over the years shows my mom wasn't that easy to live with either. She had to deal with my dad though. Don't get me wrong I loved my father and I was daddy's little girl but truth is truth. It also took me 51 years to not be with a man who was like my father and start making right choices. My daughter pointed that out to me one day about my poor choices in men. I can see my mistakes clearly now. I believe in my soul that I have finally made a good choice.
Anyways, I have no memory of my mother and until I was around 18 very little knowledge of her. A lot of those memories of my childhood before age 8 were wiped out also. (Then you have a "stroke" at 45 and wipe out some more memories!) I remember the day my sister came to get me at a friend's house. She told me we had to get home. I remember asking her why over and over and she kept looking ahead. When I walked in the door I knew, my mommy had died. My daddy took me in his arms with my sister and we cried. From my recollection we were not to show tears or ask questions or mention her again. So at age 8 I was screwed.
My mommy had just died and an 8 year old didn't know how to process that. As far as I knew my mom left because I was bad.
My sister didn't have it easy either. Here she was at 14 left to raise an 8 year old that she could hardly stand.
She doesn't know how grateful I am because I know what she had to give up. It is amazing how growing older puts things into prospective. I didn't know it until afterwards that when my sister hit 39 (which was the age we thought my mom was when she died) she thought she was going to die too, I did the same thing. I know I breathed easier when that 39th year was over only to find out a few years ago that my mom actually died when she was 38. That higher power has a way of helping us through because only the higher power could have done that! I laugh now but it was hard to think at age 39 and with teenage children that I was going to die. I've talked to other people who either had a parent die at a young age or a certain ailment took that parent especially at a younger age. They did the same thing about dying on the day or year their parent did.
The point is I have and had a lot of insecurities of people leaving me and never seeing them again or just leaving me. Therapists made a mint off my family. One would say I had to remember or I couldn't move forward in life, another would try hypnotism. Another would try this or that. It wasn't until I was 43 (thanks to boyfriend #2) that I realized I didn't have to remember my mom. If I couldn't I had to quit beating myself up. I savor the rare stories I hear and cling to the few pictures I got when I was around 20. From age 8 to 20 is a long time to think it was my fault that my mom died.
It was during age 8 to 20 that I decided my children and husband would know how I felt about them. They would know they were loved and not feel the insecurities I felt all my life. I have finally come to grips with my insecurities even though they appear periodically. I can be over affectionate. I like to have my partners body touching mine even if it is holding pinking fingers driving in the car. I love to hold hands. Having that touch is important to me. It is a safety thing for me and I just figured that out. Wow!
(It occurs to me that when husband #3 took away what was so important to me, personal touch, closeness, he must have hoped I would get the hint and leave. Oh, I am so stupid!)
So husband #1,2,3 and boyfriend #1 and 2 had to deal with issues too as well as their own. Now, wait a minute, I'm not letting any of these guys off the hook because it takes two to make a marriage or relationship. I'm just pointing out an issue that may have posed some problems...maybe...ok, yeah.
I feel at this point I have to divert for a few and point out a life changing event. Very soon after my 8th birthday my mother died at age 38. It was from aplastic anemia and it killed her within 3 weeks of the diagnosis. My sister and I and my mom and dad were the family unit. My dad was always difficult but bits and pieces I have gotten over the years shows my mom wasn't that easy to live with either. She had to deal with my dad though. Don't get me wrong I loved my father and I was daddy's little girl but truth is truth. It also took me 51 years to not be with a man who was like my father and start making right choices. My daughter pointed that out to me one day about my poor choices in men. I can see my mistakes clearly now. I believe in my soul that I have finally made a good choice.
Anyways, I have no memory of my mother and until I was around 18 very little knowledge of her. A lot of those memories of my childhood before age 8 were wiped out also. (Then you have a "stroke" at 45 and wipe out some more memories!) I remember the day my sister came to get me at a friend's house. She told me we had to get home. I remember asking her why over and over and she kept looking ahead. When I walked in the door I knew, my mommy had died. My daddy took me in his arms with my sister and we cried. From my recollection we were not to show tears or ask questions or mention her again. So at age 8 I was screwed.
My mommy had just died and an 8 year old didn't know how to process that. As far as I knew my mom left because I was bad.
My sister didn't have it easy either. Here she was at 14 left to raise an 8 year old that she could hardly stand.
She doesn't know how grateful I am because I know what she had to give up. It is amazing how growing older puts things into prospective. I didn't know it until afterwards that when my sister hit 39 (which was the age we thought my mom was when she died) she thought she was going to die too, I did the same thing. I know I breathed easier when that 39th year was over only to find out a few years ago that my mom actually died when she was 38. That higher power has a way of helping us through because only the higher power could have done that! I laugh now but it was hard to think at age 39 and with teenage children that I was going to die. I've talked to other people who either had a parent die at a young age or a certain ailment took that parent especially at a younger age. They did the same thing about dying on the day or year their parent did.
The point is I have and had a lot of insecurities of people leaving me and never seeing them again or just leaving me. Therapists made a mint off my family. One would say I had to remember or I couldn't move forward in life, another would try hypnotism. Another would try this or that. It wasn't until I was 43 (thanks to boyfriend #2) that I realized I didn't have to remember my mom. If I couldn't I had to quit beating myself up. I savor the rare stories I hear and cling to the few pictures I got when I was around 20. From age 8 to 20 is a long time to think it was my fault that my mom died.
It was during age 8 to 20 that I decided my children and husband would know how I felt about them. They would know they were loved and not feel the insecurities I felt all my life. I have finally come to grips with my insecurities even though they appear periodically. I can be over affectionate. I like to have my partners body touching mine even if it is holding pinking fingers driving in the car. I love to hold hands. Having that touch is important to me. It is a safety thing for me and I just figured that out. Wow!
(It occurs to me that when husband #3 took away what was so important to me, personal touch, closeness, he must have hoped I would get the hint and leave. Oh, I am so stupid!)
So husband #1,2,3 and boyfriend #1 and 2 had to deal with issues too as well as their own. Now, wait a minute, I'm not letting any of these guys off the hook because it takes two to make a marriage or relationship. I'm just pointing out an issue that may have posed some problems...maybe...ok, yeah.
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