Just a Vent, thanks.

        I just need to vent.  Please........I live my life looking out  a window, literally.  Glad to be alive but so lonely.  No one calls, no one visits, no one cares......that is the way I feel today.  I used to write alot, chat with a few friends or at least hear from them.....no one will get it through their head that I can not come visit if it is below Indian River, Michigan.  I've done it and paid a high price every time.  I can't go see my son, his wife and my grandchildren because I can't drive on the road to get to them, thanks Halliburton.  My son lives maybe 2 hours away and I haven't seen him since Feb.   I suppose he doesn't have much to  compare to, we lived 30 miles from his fathers parents and rarely saw them.  I would have liked to have seen them more but life goes on and children to be raised (no matter how unforgiving I seem to have been as a mother I've been told in a round about way.)
       I want to visit my daughter but she very quickly said I shouldn't come down there. Was it because of all the pollution that would land me in the hospital and make it a nightmare for my daughter, which I would never want to do, or was that a trip out west with.....oh, it doesn't matter anymore.  I love them anyway. 
      My lungs have been so good. The rest of my body is slowly deteriorating.  I had such hopes, joe was going to enlarge the bathroom so I could get the larger tube in so I could do my physical therapy at home instead of driving an hour and saving lots of money.  That is by the wayside too.  There isn't any money or help to do it. Our bed is now downstairs permanently because the stairs are too hard to go up and down.  Seeing as I fell down them last weekend when I was so frustrated to be at this time of my life and I can't afford a bathtub.
The ambulance run sucked but at least I didn't break anything.  I don't want to do that again.
      I am not ungrateful or whining I just need to vent because I don't think anyone REALLY knows what it is like to have your life turned upside down and "normal" life taken away by an industry.  I just want a "friend" or child to tell me "it's ok, I won't desert you".  I look around, yup deserted.  It isn't that I haven't tried.  It was great at our wedding when most of my closests friends were there and now they're gone.
      I have asked Joe to tell his family why I don't visit and maybe they could visit me but he doesn't.  It isn't important enough to him because he hasn't been where I am, not really. 

      I love my joe so much but when it comes down to it he forgets....forgets how painful it is to walk most days, how lonely is it to watch out the window and watch the few cars drive by.  I can't clean very well because of the cleaners and joe is has many other things to do then to worry about what the house looks like.  I try not to ask.  I can't ask extended family Marianne and girls because we can't afford to pay anyone much and they were the only ones who would say "hey come over for dinner" or call to see how things were going.  Those calls have stopped.  No pity party just reality.
     John and I did a craft show yesterday, he makes my beeswax candles, and it was so nice but hot to be outside.  It was too hot to wear my mask but I tried.   Joe forgets I've had a "stroke" and "should be responsible for myself"....I'm not able to be sometimes, especially during a "crisis" as I call them when I can't walk or move or whatever this muscular disease is going to give me day to day among other medical issues.  Maybe I am jealous, he has so much energy and gets up and is ready to go for the day when I drag myself to the couch, or van seat which is ok, and some days can't function.  I try to talk to Joe but it usually ends up he is right and I am wrong, I don't need that.  If I shut down emotionally, which I am working at, then I won't communicate with him anymore and there goes that marriage!   Actually I know my marriage is good.  I just want the damn bathroom and his non chalent attitude about it hurts me. 
     I have so much life left in me but I want ANYONE to call or visit or listen or help.  I know that is too much to ask of anyone.  I have no family, except my children who I love dearly but they have no room for a mom. I miss my "sister" in England so much. We miss each other so much.  Oh well.
     I just feel like an ugly, useless blob that is no good to anyone.  I think of all those people I wanted to help in my life and even now.  But, you never give unless you expect nothing in return and that is how I lived but now I need help and no one is around but I expected nothing in return those years ago but never realizing I would need help physically.
      Thanks for letting me vent.  I know there are more far worse off than I but today it is me.  Looking out the window with all the sunshine wondering how I will make it through this day, mostly alone and feeling useless.  I didn't use to be this way.   I just need help and there is no one to help.  Well, I hope there is sunshine or rain, whichever you need, and you are enjoying life.  Please enjoy life because you never know when life you know will be gone.
jaime 

Had a good laugh and confusing ex's.

     Thought I might blog about what I started this for, life and ex's or anything else that pops into my head LOL.  
     Had a good laugh yesterday when I was at a friends office and we were talking about ex's.  My friend mentioned I was writing about "all my ex's are not from texas" and then she added a small line under that title "and I don't have a clue what is going on." LOL.  I guess you had to be there.  
     I'm resolved to the fact that my ex's are in my life and that ain't such a bad thing.  I like having them as friends.  We get along so much better.  Forgiveness can be hard but why carry so much emotional baggage when we don't have to.  
    Okay, as women we always have some baggage somewhere and it isn't all bad.  It might have been way back but I'm cool with it.  Where did that come from? "I'm cool with it?"  LOL  Now all my Joe would need would be an ex's reunion.  LOL 
Don't worry anyone, it WON'T happen. LOL  
     I learned a lesson from ex husband #3 today.  Forgiveness.  Yeah, it is possible.  No matter how resentful, hurt, mad or whatever feeling I have I can forgive.  If only others held that same philosophy.  Humph, their loss. 
      My dad died today, 10 years ago, I think it was today.  My heart knows and it made me so sad.  My cousin put flowers on my parents grave in Missouri because I can't get there.  What a nice thing to do.  This week in July is always hard for me.  I have to deal with feelings I shove away the rest of the year.  
    I wasn't there when my dad died. I was in England with boyfriend #2.  I tried and tried but I could not get a flight out that I could afford.  We were flying back to the States in a couple days anyway but my dad was dying.  This was a sad moment to realize the date, I had so many feelings both happy and hurt. 
    All my dad, who yes could be difficult, wanted from us after he passed on was to remember him and laugh about him.  If anyone knows my family knows we didn't do that when he was alive how did he think it would happen when he was gone? There is no family anymore......
    So back again to forgiveness.  I have forgiven myself for letting my dad down.  I'll never forget though at 4 am British time when that phone rang.....I knew what it was for, my dad had passed on.  Boyfriend #2 just took me in his arms and let me sob uncontrollably.  
     For that, I will forever be thankful.  Thanks.  Now I will try and stuff all that stuff back in my brain until next year and it pops out again.
       
      
 

I'm Happy with that!!

My friend, ex husband #3, John, was over visiting and we were feeling good and he came up with this next passage and I thought what a cool thought: 
     "Count my blessings"
Shelter, cheap and roomy, $100 free food a month/free phone with 250 free minutes a month;No cable-free antenna channels;
I can do whatever I want when I want; I count my blessings. 
Rich fucks can't wrap their brains around that one. They can't possibly recognise that concept; throw your watch away you won't need it! 
     Sure, I don't have a lot of money but I pretty much do what I want when I want to do it and I'm happy with that.
     Enjoy your friends while they're still here.  Enjoy nature while it's still here. 
     Do I REALLY need to work my nuts off for ever and ever and ever......Hell NO!

THIS WEEK IN JULY IS SO HARD...

July is a hard month for me.  Just when I think I am over someone or something, this time of year comes around.  It throws me into emotional disarray.  

I love my husband Joe (husband #4) but this week is hard.  My dad died 9 years ago this week, which was also his birthday.  What gets me into "emotional disarray" is that I was in England with boyfriend #2 and was unable to get home to see him before he died.  I tried very hard to get there....BF #2 and I were going to be going to the States in a couple days anyways but my daddy was going to die.  Yeah I was in my 40's and my dad was in his mid 70's and not always pleasant but he was my dad.  He died before I could make it home and I remember like it was yesterday.  When the call came I fell apart.  I thought my heart would break from grief it hurt so much.  

My sister kept me posted and even stepped in and said she was me when my dad asked for me.  To this day I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.  
I was so in "love" with BF #2 and he was so emotionally strong for me during that time.  This week brings back feelings for him and my dad and my "family".
I know that next week things will go back to normal.  

Joe saw it my calender, which I leave open so I don't forget to look at it, when my dad's birthday was and when he died.  When I finally opened up to him last night he told me he knew all day but was waiting for me to talk about it first. 
I couldn't ask for a better person to love.  I watch Joe out the window as I am typing and just smile because he is my true love and I am so happy and blessed.  

I just want to get through this week and I'm trying not to cry or be too emotional.  Anyone who knows me knows I cry very easily so the crying part I may not do so good at.  My dad said when he died he wanted our family to stay together and laugh and talk about him.  So far, none of that has been done.  The rift is wider than the Mississippi river with no hopes of it coming together. I think about all that and I feel so sad.  That was not what my dad wanted but I am the black sheep of the family I'm told.  If they only really knew me they would see what Joe see's, a nice, emotional, laughable, giving woman who would do anything to help someone.  That is what he says.  
We do laugh alot, Joe and I.  

I seem to be jumping around and yes I am.  Now that my dad is gone and my mom died when I was 8 I felt like an orphan 9 years ago.  How can a 40 something woman feel like an orphan at my age??  Well, there is the child in all of us. This week of the of year I feel like a child who needs extra love and reassurance that life will indeed be okay.  

That's all I wanted to share. Yeah, it involves the characters in my story I'm  writing, so it is relevant.

  I was watching the 'Greatest Catch'
show on Discovery and Captain Phil had died and they were having a tribute show about him.  I was sitting next to Joe and I don't think he saw but I had tears coming down my cheek.  Phil was a man like my dad, sometimes difficult, you knew he loved you.  You knew he would, usually,  be there if you needed him.  I only saw my mom and dad's grave that day of the funeral and haven't been able to to back to see.  I really want to see their graves one more time before I go.  I know their spirits are gone.  I just need to see them.

Well Capt. Phil, shake my daddy's hand, give him a big hug and tell him all is well..... 

New Chapter in Life

I had a change of heart. I have so much inside me that wants to come out in my writing that I just have to continue. So I am.
As I am looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life I look back with some sadness. Not a lot of sadness just some.
People might say that "oh your father died, that's too bad, but he lived a good life." No he didn't! He lived a miserable life but in the end I think he saw the errors of his ways and tried to mend some of his holes. He treated us the only way he knew, the example of his parents. Now, I loved my dad and my grandparents very much but their parenting skills sucked. I can see why I got treated the way I did now. All I can do is have forgiveness and I have forgiven my father but dog gone it, what is wrong with the rest of them?!
I extend my hand and admit my wrongdoings and these people don't even know the meaning of forgiveness. That is so sad. A friend recently said never say never in trying to reconcile some kind of relationship with them. I can't see that happening. No one there will extend the hand to me I'm sure so my "family" really is dead. Part of me hopes that have alot of regrets as they lie on their death beds and think about where they are going after they die. What do they have to answer for. Alot, as do I. I have already dealt with mine and I have the peace I so desperately wanted in my life. I can't control other people's actions only ask forgiveness and extend the olive branch. The branch broke......
Is it possible to feel like an orphan at the age of 43? Yeah, it is. As I said before my mother died when I was barely 8. I was raised by a 14 year old sister who resented me a lot. Who could blame her. I miss her.
I felt years ago that when my dad finally passed on I would feel like an orphan. 1 year after he died or so, I felt that immensely. Eight years later I still feel that hurt in my heart of losing my daddy, warts and all. I'm an orphan marrying into a large family and large extended family who have welcomed me in to their fold with no questions. I am good enough for FH #4 than I am good enough for them.
That is a good feeling. I've never had that before.
I admit it is rather daunting but something I can get used to. I can get used to the laughing and the feeling of being wanted and loved or liked. It's nice that my FH#4 is so patient, so giving and a wonderful partner in life. I know that it will stay that way but not dumb enough to realize there will be bumps in the road........