Had a good laugh and confusing ex's.

     Thought I might blog about what I started this for, life and ex's or anything else that pops into my head LOL.  
     Had a good laugh yesterday when I was at a friends office and we were talking about ex's.  My friend mentioned I was writing about "all my ex's are not from texas" and then she added a small line under that title "and I don't have a clue what is going on." LOL.  I guess you had to be there.  
     I'm resolved to the fact that my ex's are in my life and that ain't such a bad thing.  I like having them as friends.  We get along so much better.  Forgiveness can be hard but why carry so much emotional baggage when we don't have to.  
    Okay, as women we always have some baggage somewhere and it isn't all bad.  It might have been way back but I'm cool with it.  Where did that come from? "I'm cool with it?"  LOL  Now all my Joe would need would be an ex's reunion.  LOL 
Don't worry anyone, it WON'T happen. LOL  
     I learned a lesson from ex husband #3 today.  Forgiveness.  Yeah, it is possible.  No matter how resentful, hurt, mad or whatever feeling I have I can forgive.  If only others held that same philosophy.  Humph, their loss. 
      My dad died today, 10 years ago, I think it was today.  My heart knows and it made me so sad.  My cousin put flowers on my parents grave in Missouri because I can't get there.  What a nice thing to do.  This week in July is always hard for me.  I have to deal with feelings I shove away the rest of the year.  
    I wasn't there when my dad died. I was in England with boyfriend #2.  I tried and tried but I could not get a flight out that I could afford.  We were flying back to the States in a couple days anyway but my dad was dying.  This was a sad moment to realize the date, I had so many feelings both happy and hurt. 
    All my dad, who yes could be difficult, wanted from us after he passed on was to remember him and laugh about him.  If anyone knows my family knows we didn't do that when he was alive how did he think it would happen when he was gone? There is no family anymore......
    So back again to forgiveness.  I have forgiven myself for letting my dad down.  I'll never forget though at 4 am British time when that phone rang.....I knew what it was for, my dad had passed on.  Boyfriend #2 just took me in his arms and let me sob uncontrollably.  
     For that, I will forever be thankful.  Thanks.  Now I will try and stuff all that stuff back in my brain until next year and it pops out again.
       
      
 

THIS WEEK IN JULY IS SO HARD...

July is a hard month for me.  Just when I think I am over someone or something, this time of year comes around.  It throws me into emotional disarray.  

I love my husband Joe (husband #4) but this week is hard.  My dad died 9 years ago this week, which was also his birthday.  What gets me into "emotional disarray" is that I was in England with boyfriend #2 and was unable to get home to see him before he died.  I tried very hard to get there....BF #2 and I were going to be going to the States in a couple days anyways but my daddy was going to die.  Yeah I was in my 40's and my dad was in his mid 70's and not always pleasant but he was my dad.  He died before I could make it home and I remember like it was yesterday.  When the call came I fell apart.  I thought my heart would break from grief it hurt so much.  

My sister kept me posted and even stepped in and said she was me when my dad asked for me.  To this day I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.  
I was so in "love" with BF #2 and he was so emotionally strong for me during that time.  This week brings back feelings for him and my dad and my "family".
I know that next week things will go back to normal.  

Joe saw it my calender, which I leave open so I don't forget to look at it, when my dad's birthday was and when he died.  When I finally opened up to him last night he told me he knew all day but was waiting for me to talk about it first. 
I couldn't ask for a better person to love.  I watch Joe out the window as I am typing and just smile because he is my true love and I am so happy and blessed.  

I just want to get through this week and I'm trying not to cry or be too emotional.  Anyone who knows me knows I cry very easily so the crying part I may not do so good at.  My dad said when he died he wanted our family to stay together and laugh and talk about him.  So far, none of that has been done.  The rift is wider than the Mississippi river with no hopes of it coming together. I think about all that and I feel so sad.  That was not what my dad wanted but I am the black sheep of the family I'm told.  If they only really knew me they would see what Joe see's, a nice, emotional, laughable, giving woman who would do anything to help someone.  That is what he says.  
We do laugh alot, Joe and I.  

I seem to be jumping around and yes I am.  Now that my dad is gone and my mom died when I was 8 I felt like an orphan 9 years ago.  How can a 40 something woman feel like an orphan at my age??  Well, there is the child in all of us. This week of the of year I feel like a child who needs extra love and reassurance that life will indeed be okay.  

That's all I wanted to share. Yeah, it involves the characters in my story I'm  writing, so it is relevant.

  I was watching the 'Greatest Catch'
show on Discovery and Captain Phil had died and they were having a tribute show about him.  I was sitting next to Joe and I don't think he saw but I had tears coming down my cheek.  Phil was a man like my dad, sometimes difficult, you knew he loved you.  You knew he would, usually,  be there if you needed him.  I only saw my mom and dad's grave that day of the funeral and haven't been able to to back to see.  I really want to see their graves one more time before I go.  I know their spirits are gone.  I just need to see them.

Well Capt. Phil, shake my daddy's hand, give him a big hug and tell him all is well.....