I should say that if you are just starting to read this book then you have to scroll down to where it starts. The first one you see on my blog is the newest addition.This isn't a "Mommy Dearest" or tell all book. Just my experiences with online dating good and bad. Making better choices in men helps! Feel free to comment or point out mistakes. I can take it.
I feel at this point I have to divert for a few and point out a life changing event. Very soon after my 8th birthday my mother died at age 38. It was from aplastic anemia and it killed her within 3 weeks of the diagnosis. My sister and I and my mom and dad were the family unit. My dad was always difficult but bits and pieces I have gotten over the years shows my mom wasn't that easy to live with either. She had to deal with my dad though. Don't get me wrong I loved my father and I was daddy's little girl but truth is truth. It also took me 51 years to not be with a man who was like my father and start making right choices. My daughter pointed that out to me one day about my poor choices in men. I can see my mistakes clearly now. I believe in my soul that I have finally made a good choice.
Anyways, I have no memory of my mother and until I was around 18 very little knowledge of her. A lot of those memories of my childhood before age 8 were wiped out also. (Then you have a "stroke" at 45 and wipe out some more memories!) I remember the day my sister came to get me at a friend's house. She told me we had to get home. I remember asking her why over and over and she kept looking ahead. When I walked in the door I knew, my mommy had died. My daddy took me in his arms with my sister and we cried. From my recollection we were not to show tears or ask questions or mention her again. So at age 8 I was screwed.
My mommy had just died and an 8 year old didn't know how to process that. As far as I knew my mom left because I was bad.
My sister didn't have it easy either. Here she was at 14 left to raise an 8 year old that she could hardly stand.
She doesn't know how grateful I am because I know what she had to give up. It is amazing how growing older puts things into prospective. I didn't know it until afterwards that when my sister hit 39 (which was the age we thought my mom was when she died) she thought she was going to die too, I did the same thing. I know I breathed easier when that 39th year was over only to find out a few years ago that my mom actually died when she was 38. That higher power has a way of helping us through because only the higher power could have done that! I laugh now but it was hard to think at age 39 and with teenage children that I was going to die. I've talked to other people who either had a parent die at a young age or a certain ailment took that parent especially at a younger age. They did the same thing about dying on the day or year their parent did.
The point is I have and had a lot of insecurities of people leaving me and never seeing them again or just leaving me. Therapists made a mint off my family. One would say I had to remember or I couldn't move forward in life, another would try hypnotism. Another would try this or that. It wasn't until I was 43 (thanks to boyfriend #2) that I realized I didn't have to remember my mom. If I couldn't I had to quit beating myself up. I savor the rare stories I hear and cling to the few pictures I got when I was around 20. From age 8 to 20 is a long time to think it was my fault that my mom died.
It was during age 8 to 20 that I decided my children and husband would know how I felt about them. They would know they were loved and not feel the insecurities I felt all my life. I have finally come to grips with my insecurities even though they appear periodically. I can be over affectionate. I like to have my partners body touching mine even if it is holding pinking fingers driving in the car. I love to hold hands. Having that touch is important to me. It is a safety thing for me and I just figured that out. Wow!
(It occurs to me that when husband #3 took away what was so important to me, personal touch, closeness, he must have hoped I would get the hint and leave. Oh, I am so stupid!)
So husband #1,2,3 and boyfriend #1 and 2 had to deal with issues too as well as their own. Now, wait a minute, I'm not letting any of these guys off the hook because it takes two to make a marriage or relationship. I'm just pointing out an issue that may have posed some problems...maybe...ok, yeah.
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