Happy

I don't have a college degree. I don't have the work experience needed. I do have life experience. I hear that is the best experience to have. I know what works for me and I share it. If you find this self indulging or don't agree then don't read it. You have a choice.
Just like I had a choice to be happy or unhappy the rest of my life. Ok, I was to the point of being unhappy the rest of my life but that fighting Emily spirit surfaced and nothing stands a chance against my fighting spirit! I deserve happiness and I know that I have the ability to make someone else happy too. So online I went. I despised husband #3 doing it but just to feel the touch of someone else slipped me over the edge. Now, that sounds funny, the touch of someone. That is the only way to describe that too. I love touch.
I realized after meeting future hubby #4 that I had never known happiness before or love. I thought I had but no, I hadn't. Wishful thinking on my part all those years. I am so happy. I smile even when I am feeling my worst because I know I have found my lover, best friend and soul mate. I know it in the deepest part of my heart. I guess that is why I am feeling insecure. I am trying not to but darn it keeps showing up. I thought I had put it to rest.
I love FH#4 with all my heart and soul and if I get anymore mushy even I may get sick.
When I have to see husband #3 I don't feel comfortable showing my happiness. I know it is because we are getting a divorce and that is emotional for me. I thought I knew this man but I didn't have a clue. I feel bad about that. He never let me in thus my behavior wasn't the best. Not as an excuse, ok maybe, but he kept pushing me away in his dramatic way and I became so frustrated. When I see him now I feel like a failure at another marriage and my "happy" disappears for a while.
I want husband #3 to know how happy I am but I can't. I intend on keeping this "happy" the rest of my life (now that I know how it feels like!)
Work for the day is to put that insecurity away no matter how bad (healthwise) I may feel. It is only causing problems and frankly insecurity has been around far too long!